Learning to Trust

You did not consult me when You numbered the stars
You did not ask permission when You sprinkled the darkness with them
You did not ask me before You built the mountains and traced the sea coasts
You did not make me the conductor of the wind
Or the orchestrator of the birds
You did not ask me permission before You built hearts to need other hearts
You never asked me God and yet You did it anyway!
There is so much in my life that I don’t understand.

Yet, it only takes one walk on the beach, one starry night with someone I love, one birth;
 it only takes one naked moment to realize that I am glad you did not ask me permission.
The greatest joys in my life I wouldn’t have chosen.

Dear God,
I ask not for certainty but faith
Not proof but trust
I ask not for control but for a current to guide me
And at the end of my life, just as at the end of each day, to have but one prayer:
Thank you.

Photo Credit: http://patcegan.files.wordpress.com/2011/12/old-man-face.jpg

the trouble with thank you

In all circumstances give thanks, for this is the will of God for you in Christ Jesus.  -1 Thessalonians 5:18

“enlightened” by Julia Walsh, FSPA

There are too many thank you’s that I never write.

I am frequently overwhelmed with the abundance of love, blessings, kindness, gifts, prayers and support that are showered upon me.  Inequality drives me nuts, even when it comes to blessings.  I don’t want to experience more love and support than any other person, yet I know I do.  At times, the reality freezes me in a backwards feeling of worthlessness.

I am not very good at receiving gifts and blessings.  I have a flawed response.  When people are good to me and when people give me praise, I tend to squirm and divert attention.  I want to respond to compliments with compliments for others.  I want to explain that all the success and fortune I experience is God’s doing, not mine.

Sometimes the hardest thing to say is “thank you.”

When I finally do try to say thank you, I feel so inadequate.  I want to write litanies and I want to construct complicated cards. I want to call sisters, colleagues, friends and family and tell them personally how their kindness has not been unnoticed.  I want to jot a note for every little thing that everyone does for me:  hold a door, run an errand, give a donation, or send me an encouraging letter.  I never feel like I have the time nor energy to try to express all the gratitude I am feeling.  When I can’t stand that “write thank you to so and so” has been on my to-do list for longer than two months and I finally sit down to make an effort, I often feel like what I come up with is way too overdue and inappropriate.  Then, when my thank you’s turn into apologies, I become stunned by the response I hear.

“I know you appreciate it. You don’t have to say so.  You are a very grateful person.” 

I wonder if my character has stuck me into a cycle. Maybe  I receive a lot of blessings  because it’s rewarding to give to people who are grateful.  Then, I struggle with receiving because I don’t know how to respond.  My list of unwritten thank you’s takes on a life of its own.  In the end, my gratitude becomes a relational thing and tokens of appreciation are replaced with simple statements.  “Hey, thanks for doing that.”  “Thank you so much, that was so nice.”  “Thank you.”  Really, it’s much more personal.  Then, I am understood as “a person who is all about gratitude” because people hear me saying thank you all the time.  Therefore, more blessings are sent my way because everyone needs to hear “thank you.”

This is a human cycle.  Gratitude is a life cycle, and earth cycle.

I am learning: the gratitude cycle need not be complicated, because, really, thank you’s are essential. Thank you’s are like breathing.

“Within this human impulse to gratitude flow the vast cycles of universal reciprocity for everything that is taken, something has to be given in return.  If you merely take in a breath and stop there you will die.  Likewise if you merely breathe out.  Life is not giving or taking, but give and take.  This is the dynamic expression of universal belonging expressed in our thanksgiving... Perhaps the greatest gift we humans can offer to the rest of creation is our heartfelt appreciation… Our praise and thanksgiving is as essential a part of life’s give and take as are the cycles of oxygen and water or any other nourishment flowing through the biosphere.”  (From Earth Prayers, page 211-213)

I am glad to know that thank you need not be a big deal, because our interdependence is very basic and natural.  In fact, I am thankful I am learning this lesson!

Thank you to each of you for how you all help me be the interdependent part of creation I am made to be. Amen!

“interdependence” by Julia Walsh FSPA